Several weeks ago I shared that during my last pregnancy, I was carrying twins, but lost one baby early in the pregnancy. Miscarriage like any loss is hard, and often we don’t know how to respond whether we are the one who lost a child or if someone we are close with lost a child. A couple of months before we lost one of the babies, my good friend Kim lost a baby. Today she shares a little of her experience and offers suggestions on how to handle the emotions you experience after a miscarriage as well as ways to respond to someone who has lost a baby.
Kim and her husband, Nate, live in Corsicana, Texas, with their twin 3 year old boys and 3 month old Caroline. Kim blogs at Chasing the Wind.
What emotions did you experience when you realized you had miscarried?
A miscarriage is very multi dimensional. I remember feeling saddened with the loss of a dream. I had plans for the baby. I had spent time thinking about how I would decorate the nursery and what names we might chose. It was a weird loss in that I had never met the baby, but I knew the baby. I also felt in some way responsible. That maybe I had done something to cause the miscarriage. I had to recognize God's sovereignty and rest in the knowledge that I had not caused anything to happen. I also remember feeling guilty that my husband, Nate, would never meet the baby.
What advice would you give someone who just lost a baby through miscarriage?
Talk to someone: What is so weird about having one is that you have a child that people will never know about. It will be worse not talking about it than finding someone who has been through it.
Right Expectations: Don't expect your husband to grieve the same way. They will be sad, but they will move on faster than you. Don't take it personally or feel that he didn't want the baby. He just will handle it differently than you.
Don’t be Afraid to Smile: Nate's biggest gift to me was when he told me to "feel what you feel when you feel it." He encouraged me to cry when I needed to and to be happy if I wanted to, but not to put any expectations on myself as to how I should feel. I was worried that if I wasn't crying all the time that it meant in some way I wasn't sad, but I had two 2 year old boys at home with me and it was okay if I wanted to laugh with them as they danced in the living room floor or smile when I saw them playing together. I also struggled with feeling guilty when I cried because somehow it reflected that I didn't trust God's decision, but Nate encouraged me just to acknowledge the emotions I was feeling and to really deal with them properly. It was okay to be sad and acknowledge the loss and it didn’t mean that I didn’t trust who God is.
Honor the Life: Nate gave me a Pandora charm. I have a good friend who lost a baby at 6 weeks. The baby was the size of a poppy seed, so she and her husband bought a painting of poppies to hang in their house. Find something that is memorable to you and your family so that you will remember the baby.
How do you respond to a friend who has lost a baby through miscarriage?
Give them time: As a friend you need to recognize that it is not a simple loss (not that any loss is simple) but that there will be more going on in the heart and mind of the person than they may realize at first.
Recognize it is a loss: Miscarriage can be awkward. You know the baby, but you never met the baby and most people will never know you lost a child, but that doesn’t mean that the mother isn’t experiencing grief and loss.
Follow their lead: As with any loss people will respond differently. Make sure you are available but don't push if they don't want to talk about it and on the other end, don't rush them in their grieving process. This is a loss, this is a death, allow the other person to grieve how they need to.
A note from Lindsay:
I love the way Kim was able to express the feelings she experienced. I too experienced some of the same feelings, but my experience with losing a baby was a little different in that I lost one of two babies. I only wanted to add that if you know someone that experiences a similar loss, allow them to grieve the loss of one child. I can’t tell you the number of people who made some comment like: “At least you still have one baby.” Yes, that was a true statement, but in many ways, I feel like I never was able to grieve the loss of Baby B because it was just expected that I would be joyful because I was still carrying a child.
