October 12, 2010

Ultrasound photos from different stages of the pregnancy

One year ago today, Hal and I were filled with a crazy mix of emotions. Overjoyed that we heard one steady, strong heartbeat. Devastated that the other heartbeat was missing. After trying to get pregnant for several months, we were understandably thrilled to have a positive pregnancy test. I started having some spotting, so my doctor saw me for the first appointment earlier than usual. 


They did the normal first appointment sonogram. The tech quickly found a heartbeat and said that while it was a little slow, it was normal for the stage I was at. We were both so relieved, and I felt like I was finally taking a breath for the first time since the ultrasound started. The tech then said, "It looks like there is something else here." She had found another heartbeat! I think Hal stopped breathing at this point. :) She told us that the second baby was a little smaller, and the heart rate was slower, as well. She printed pictures for us, and then we waited to see the doctor. The doctor congratulated us and said that the smaller sac around Baby B could be an ominous sign, or it could be fine. She wanted to bring us back in a week for another ultrasound.


We left the office excited, scared, shocked, and thrilled all at the same time. We shared the news with family and a few close friends and asked them to pray. It was a great week of excitement around our house! My grandmother, who was a twin, had passed away earlier last summer. For as long as I can remember, she had made comments about Lindsay having twins and having to stick around until Lindsay had the twins. It was so special for me to be carrying twins for that reason and for so many others. 

We went back for the second appointment on October 12th. I remember lying on the table, holding Hal’s hand and feeling scared. In a calm voice, she told us that Baby A looked strong and healthy, but that she was not able to find a second heartbeat. We then saw the doctor who assured us that Baby A looked great and that my body would naturally absorb and take care of Baby B. 


We left the office that day not sure of how we felt at all. Such extreme joy that I was carrying a healthy baby but such sadness and grief that we had lost Baby B. The next few days were much of the same. Just not sure what to feel. That Thursday I went to BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) where we were studying Isaiah 6 that week. In this passage, Isaiah had the vision of the LORD and he was face-to-face with God's holiness. In the opening that morning we sang two songs: “Holy, Holy, Holy” and “Immortal, Invisible.” I couldn't hold back the tears as I sang those songs. The verses in “Immortal, Invisible” seemed to just heal my soul.

Immortal, invisible, God only wise,

In light inaccessible hid from our eyes,

Most blessèd, most glorious, the Ancient of Days,

Almighty, victorious, Thy great Name we praise.

Unresting, unhasting, and silent as light,

Nor wanting, nor wasting, Thou rulest in might;

Thy justice, like mountains, high soaring above

Thy clouds, which are fountains of goodness and love.

To all, life Thou givest, to both great and small;

In all life Thou livest, the true life of all;

We blossom and flourish as leaves on the tree,

And wither and perish—but naught changeth Thee.

Great Father of glory, pure Father of light,

Thine angels adore Thee, all veiling their sight;

All laud we would render; O help us to see

’Tis only the splendor of light hideth Thee,

It was one of those moments where I knew that if I claimed to have a relationship with Jesus and I believe that God is holy, the sovereign Creator, then I had to bow and trust Him fully. I walked out of the sanctuary that day still sad but with the peace of knowing that even in my sadness and loss, I could trust the LORD Almighty. That His way and His plan were perfect and complete.

On May 9, 2011, we were blessed with the birth of a healthy baby boy. I honestly didn’t think of the baby we had lost until later when I was alone in the hospital room with precious baby boy. I held him a little closer and thanked the Lord for the life He had given us. In his room, we have a canvas that hangs over his bed with his life verse written out on it. Above that canvas is a smaller one, with Isaiah 6:3 written on it, “Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty ... ” One day, we will tell him about his twin, but my prayer is that we tell him about the LORD Almighty every day.